Pan (2015)

Starring: Levi Miller, Hugh Jackman, Garrett Hedlund, Rooney Mara, Adeel Akhtar & a mostly CGI Amanda Seyfried

Directed by: Joe Wright

Rating: ★½

Just when you thought they couldn’t churn out any more Peter Pan related movies, along comes a reboot/prequel that the movie-going public definitely didn’t need or want.  

Don't look at me Peter- I didn't write the script!

Pan is one of the year’s biggest box office flops, being both panned by the critics and largely ignored by audiences- and after watching this mess, it’s clear to see why.

When will Hollywood learn to Never go back to Neverland?

Forced to watch the film because of my Hugh Jackman loving friend Tracy, I was not expecting good things from Pan. I’m not a fan of the book, the Disney incarnations or any Pan related media- except, of course, for Hook, which is a classic. So I wasn’t on this movie’s side from the beginning.

There's really no reason for Seyfried to be in the movie- especially when she's mostly CGI...

And boy, what a terrible beginning. Amanda Seyfried, evil nuns, World War II and cor blimey Mary Poppins accents proliferate every single second of the twenty minute lead up to Neverland. Just when you bleedin’ think they couldn’t bloody add another blumin’ colloquial English word into the vernacular- just to prove that this ruddy film begins in London- pirates start to kidnap orphans and then sell them to a fairy mine in Neverland- run by no other than a wig wearing Hugh Jackman.

Wow Hugh, just when you think you can't make any more terrible movies...

You see, in this Neverland, Blackbeard (Jackman) wants eternal life, and the only way he can get this is by snorting fairy dust, which is, of course, a mineral found in caves for some bizarre reason. 

You should be mad Hugh- you signed up to this film!

The fact that Blackbeard made the fairies extinct, even though he needs them to make his precious fairy dust, even though he lives in a land where no one ages, even though he in fact does age, is one of the many plot holes in Pan that I just had to ignore- otherwise my head would have exploded trying to make any logical sense out of it.

I know Levi, it makes no sense to me either...

This includes a scene in which Blackbeard sings Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana. I kid you not.

Blackbeard's rather odd introduction...

So once Peter, played by badly accented blighter Levi Miller, escapes the Second World War (even though J. M. Barrie’s character predates both World Wars), gets sold into slavery, is almost killed and learns to fly by 'believing in himself', he meets James Hook (Hedlund) - an Indiana Jones meets Captain Jack Sparrow hybrid that isn’t actually a villain even though they keep alluding to the fact he’ll become one even though he doesn’t.

Hedlund as Batman Indiana Jones Jack Sparrow Hook

And Hedlund- who plays the role as a jolly version of Batman from The Dark Knight Risesafter he’s had a stroke- screams every line in a painful Southern drawl that obliterates your eardrums. His over the top performance and forced reactions are uncomfortable viewing indeed- the wooden plank does a better job than he does.

Peter and Hook search for the fairy cave...

Blackbeard tells Peter he is ‘the chosen one’ who is destined to destroy him, so of course instead of killing Peter he just lets him go so he can escape with Hook. 

Blackbeard, you should always kill the person 'destined' to kill you when you get the chance...

The pair then meet Injuns ‘Natives’, one of whom is a white-washed Tiger Lily played by that thing from those movies (Mara).

The wholly forgettable Mara sister.

Pan tries desperately to avoid being racist by having a multicultural group of ‘Natives’, but instead becomes even more racist by casting a white woman to play Tiger Lily, and having only the black cast members playing bongo drums and performing tribal dances.

The Injuns 'Native'

And to make matters worse, even though Tiger Lily tells us that she’s a ‘strong independent black white’ woman, she instantly falls in love with Hook even though he’s a swashbuckling buffoon who literally only smiles at her to make her like him. 

 

Even Garrett's in shock. I think. It's hard to tell...

So within thirty seconds of Tiger Lily’s first appearance she goes from being a strong warrior woman to a damsel in distress who eventually gets saved by every man- and boy- she crosses paths with.

Tiger Lily tries to fight Blackbeard, but she eventually needs a man to save her- as all women do.

And just when you think it can’t get any more baffling, when any ‘Natives’ get killed by Blackbeard and his henchmen, they turn into multi coloured poster paint.

I'm not joking.

The awful skeleton bird monsters...

There are also badly rendered CGI skeleton bird monsters for absolutely no reason (I think they are confusing Peter Pan with another English story), lots of flying pirate ships, freaky CGI mermaids, and an even freakier CGI Amanda Seyfried who turns out to be a princess who slept with a fairy so that she gave birth to Peter.

So the twist in this tail- spoiler alert (like anyone even cares)- is that Peter is in fact a half fairy prince who has Super Saiyan fairy powers- which involve him shooting fairies at people.

I shit you not.

I can't imagine what it's like to be told you're a fairy...

And even though this film has huge, terrible problems, the ending- set on two flying pirate ships in a fairy mine- is actually pretty good, mainly because it’s a fun- albeit sexist- swashbuckling action finale. 

The end was fun and exciting, it just takes two hours to get to it...

Until Peter unleashes his fairy powers, that is. And has to save Tiger Lily from Blackbeard because, you know, she’s a woman.

Tiger Lily and Peter inadvertently help Blackbeard because they're idiots.

Not only is it bizarre that Hugh Jackman killed the woman he spent another awful movie trying to save, it’s just crazy to think that this movie ever got made. I honestly don’t know who Pan is targeted at. And when the ending sets up a sequel- which will almost certainly never happen- you just have to marvel in horror at the fact that Warner Brothers thought audiences would be stupid enough to actually enjoy this crap enough to want to watch another film featuring skeleton birds, cor blimey fairy fuelled Peter Pan, helpless Tiger Lily, awful Hedlund and CGI Amanda Seyfried.

And we'll be back for more...! Oh no, wait...

And after watching this film, which Tracy disliked even more than I did, you just have to ask yourself about the state of modern cinema. I’ve talked about it many times before, but honestly- why can’t they just make a decent, original film? Is it really that difficult?

Judging by most of the movies out at the moment, the answer seems to be yes.